Monday, July 31, 2006

Two Movie Reviews

Pirates of the Carribean - Dead Man's Chest : ****

Whoa! Thank god, for Captain Jack is back...and how! This is one movie I had been waiting for since quite some time, ever since it was revealed that there were 2 sequels in the making. And I have to admit that the movie does not disappoint at any level. The CGI, the performances, the one liners, all of them rock. And to make things better, we have a cracker of an ending, which promises much excitement in the final installment of the movie.

The entire movie hinges on Johnny Depp, and the character he has made so memorable. He relives his turn as Captain Jack Sparrow with much aplomb, carrying away all the applause even this time around. Orlando Bloom as Will Turner and Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann are also good. So is the CGI character Davy Jones. In fact, he's downright creepy. Gore Verbinski, who before these Pirate movies, made Mousetrap and The Mexican has his hands right ont he audience's pulse this time. All in all, a great watch. (I saw this movie in Symphony, where the morning show costs 50 bucks for a Balcony seat...Makes it even more worth the while! Maybe I'll watch it again.)

Omkara : ***

I am slightly confused by this movie. Performance wise,t his movie is great. Saif Ali Khan has never been better, Ajay Devgan regains his Gangajal form and Kareena looks HOT. But the story itself is no great shakes. I mean, i like Shakespearean stuff, but if you think about it, no author could get more "Bollywoody" than old Will. And that is what we get in Omkara, pure Bollywood stuff, but minus all the fluff. Vishal Bhardwaj, the director infuses a grittiness and raw energy into the film, which makes it watchable. Without that, this would just be standard Bollywood fare. All the actors in this movie give very gritty performances. All of them, except for Bipasha Basu, who has two item numbers, and talks with a UP accent so fake that the Queen of England could have done better. So the thing to be asked is, is this the best adaptation of Shakespeare we have seen, in Bollywood? I would like to digress. I think Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak was a better adaptation (of Romeo and Juliet i.e.). Watch it just for the performances, and in a movie hall that doesn't charge much. You won't enjoy the movie much, but you'll sure as hell appreciate it.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Why "The WonderYears" ain't out on DVD yet

Read this to know why.

What a frickin' tragedy. But I guess the show wouldn't make sense without it's awesome background music..

Update : More dirt on The Wonder Years here. Also, the 25 best moments of the show. I dont agree with the sequence, but yes, all of these moments are really touching and sometimes, outright hilarious.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


The day I never thought would come is finally here. I am not sure if I want to live in Bangalore the rest of my life. At least not with the way it is progressing. Law and Order seems to be a thing of the past, what with the number of muggings and murders just getting out of control. For chryssake, you have more cops shutting down pubs and discos than patrolling the sensitive ring road areas and other mugging havens. What shit!!
Nice time to say our thanks to Mr. Venkatachala, the pro-active Lokayukta, who retired a few weeks back. We shall be grateful for the amazing work you did in exposing all the corruption that has taken root in the system. Sir, I bow to you.
4 movies that merit viewing. And I do not have the time to do justice. Here they are, and any feedback about these movies (spare me the spoilers) is welcome:
- Pirates of the Carribean Dead Man's Chest
- Golmaal
- Yun Hota to Kya Hota
- Cyanide

The last one is a Kannada movie and comes highly recommended to me by some people I know. That's the one I'm looking forward the most to.
From monopoly to intense competition, the radio wars seem to be just gettinghotter. We now have 3 private FM radio stations, together with the Government run FM Rainbow. Come to think of it, I just haven't tuned into Radio City after the other guys came into the picture. I wonder how it is with the others?

More to follow. Stay tuned. The holy cow has mooed.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Poop Names (Warning : Repulsive, but hilarious)

I totally relate to this shit (pun intended). Sourced from

Read On. Enjoy.

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells advice...go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like forget the pain quickly.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Salaam Bombay

My heart and prayers go out to those affected by the bombings. My salutations to the city whose people have an indomitable spirit. I spit on the face of the higher-ups who have already started blame-shifting and cheap politicking.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Corporate - A Review - *

What shit this movie is. I should've known that what made Page 3 very intriguing was the subject of the story, and not the way it was handled. Of course, the cynicism in that movie was most welcome, but I felt it suffered from a single-viewpoint hangover. Corporate is no better. In fact, it's so much more worse. Bhandarkar tries to ram it into your brain that the Corpoate world is filled with evil geniuses just waiting to pounce and cut the throat of anyone who comes in the way. Also, the subject of the movie just lacks intrigue. But in order to inject some, Bhandarkar resorts to situations like Vice president of a company (played by Bipasha Basu, who can't act to save her life) using a hooker to steal trade secrets of her rival company, crude humor related to Public and Private related enterprises, etc.

Essentialy the story is about the rivalry between two groups of industries, how they try their best to screw and out-do each other. That's it. Reality ends there. The rest of it is a total farce. Like I said Bipasha Basu can't act at all. Kay Kay should stick to roles that give him more range and depth. Rajat Kapoor and Raj Babbar are OK. Minissha Lamba has 5 dialogues in the movie. Sammer Dattani has 2. But the best role of the movie goes to the guy (I dont know his name) who plays the role of the politician (State Minister for Finance).

This movie is a frickin' tragedy. Dont even bother watching. Wait for it to come on TV.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Indian Chinese food

Hindi-Chini bhai bhai claimed Jawahar Lal Nehru, before China did a bit of backstabbing making Nehru eat his words. Poor Nehru, I wonder if he had to give up on Chinese food after this bitter experience.

I would not be totally off the mark if I said that Chinese is the most loved foreign cuisine in India. But wait! We have got our own back at the Chinese. Unhappy with the humiliation heaped on us in the Indo-China war, we have systematically set about vandalizing something the Chinese consider sacred. Their food.

Point in example. Bangalore's all pervading Darshini's. These havens of cheap, clean, healthy local food have gone global (read: Chinese) with a vengeance. Items on Chinese (also at times Chainese, Chayness, Chinise, ..the list goes on and on, but i'm digressing) Menu : Veg Nuddles, eg Fraid Rice, and *trumpets-blowing-for-king-of-'em-all* Gobi Manchurian. The humble cauliflower, which my mom makes such good upkari (a Konkani delicacy) of, is reincarnated, and completely beyond recognition. Notice the not so subtle snub(s) given to Communist ruled China:

1. Red China be damned. We are not scared of you. To prove this, we make our Gobi Manchurian an un-natural red (See, See, the Red Connection...And you guys thought it was just the tomato ketchup!). And we gobble it up, to symbolize that the red dragon can be countered by peace loving, garlic breath oriented mouths.

2. No Gobi Manchurian in China!!! Damn you. Look, we have gone ahead of you already. And you try and divert attention with trivial matters like good infrastructure and stuff.

There are other hidden subliminal snubs, but I would have to spend the whole day typing it out, but I hope, dear reader, you get the point.

So the next time you go and order for that plate of Gobi Manchurian, remember, you are not just indulging your taste buds, but you are also making a statement against Communism, against state sponsered lies and more importantly, saluting the Indian spirit of improvisation, nay, innovation!

Jai Hind

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Dammit, My eyes welled up again

Reason : this.

I had written about the Wonder years before, and I had provided a link to the pilot in there. In the link above, you can see the ending of the finale. It's really sad the show ended. And listen to what Kevin has to say. It just rings so true.

Definitely the best show. Ever.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A sneak peek into Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

Shahrukh Khan as Dev Saran

Overtly sensitive, sharp of tongue and cynical Dev Saran has a rather uneasy relationship with the world owing to an unfortunate mishap that turns his dreams upside down.

He is unable to come to terms with the unfairness of life or his handicap and his bitterness only cripples his mind further. He resents his wife, Rhea’s growing success and in the process ends up hating himself for feeling that way. To make matters worse he ends up turning all his anger towards his loved ones. Under these circumstances, Maya enters his life with her own wounds and together they take on a journey to heal each other…

Preity Zinta as Rhea Saran

Confident, savvy and with a strong sense of right and wrong…

Rhea Saran leads a straight forward life where her promises and expectations are clearly chalked out. Her independence is of prime importance to her and she believes in the importance of material luxuries. There are moments when she realizes that she is not playing the traditional role of a wife or a mother owing to her busy career but she refuses to feel guilty about it and strongly believes in her right to pursue success as much as a man. Her belief in her marriage is strong even during its turbulent phase and she tries every means in her power to save it until she realizes the enormity of the situation and is forced to take a stand…

Abhishek Bachchan as Rishi Talwar

Sophisticated, stylish with a gift of the gab, Rishi Talwar, upcoming public relations professional, has inherited his father’s fun-loving nature and his sense of humor.

While his childlike demeanor is endearing, his volatile reaction to situations often cause his wife, Maya to believe that he is childish. He is patient and loving to Maya but is unable to comprehend her complexity especially when it rears its ugly head in the most intimate moments of their personal relationship. His entire being is devoted to Maya and that’s perhaps why he falls apart when exposed to the harsh truth of his marriage…

Rani Mukherjee as Maya Talwar

Beautiful, sensitive and a compulsive cleanliness freak…

Maya Talwar compensates for her inability to have children by teaching in a nursery. Her relationship with her husband Rishi is layered with a lot of self-doubt and question. However, while she is ready to discuss and analyze everything small or big, she fights this area of her life with remarkable silence. She is unable to whip up enough passion for Rishi and is disappointed that her love for him does not match her own expectations of what it ought to be. This dilemma pulls her further apart from him thereby causing a strain on their marital life. To add to this complication, she encounters Dev in whom she finds all the ingredients to fire the passion she lacks in her marriage…

Amitabh Bachchan as Samarjit Singh Talwar

Samarjit Singh Talwar a.k.a. Sam is a flamboyant and fun-loving man who believes in living his life to the fullest.

His life revolves around the happiness of his son, Rishi and daughter-in-law, Maya. And despite indulging in all sensual pleasures, Sam does not lose focus on the ground realities of life and beneath his colorful exterior there lies a wise and sensitive parent who dispenses, at times, brutal but practical solutions to his family.

My Take:

Married Couple 1 having problems. Married Couple 2 having problems. They switch partners and realise that this makes more sense. India's most popular filmstar included to mouth sentimental dialogues on his deathbed. Lots of songs. Lots of crying. More songs and crying. Finally everything ends on a happy note. This movie will beat all records, and will goad Johar into making another similar movie.

Repeat the loop.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Superman - A review - * *

I have a lot of faith in Bryan Singer. After all, he gave us that cult classic called The Usual Suspects, which happens to be one of my all time favorites. It was with this hope, that Singer would deliver on one of the most under utilised comic book franchises, I went to the theater. And I returned disappointed.

Apart from 2 breathtaking sequences :

- The one where superman saves a plane from crashlanding in the middle of a Baseball park.

- The one where he foils a Bank Robbery.

most of the movie is dead boring. Lois Lane, who has moved on since Superman's abrupt departure, has now his love child and an understanding/ready-to-make-sacrifice fiance. How convenient. And the sequence where Superman takes Lois on a cruise in his arms...Lame. Kevin Spacey, probably hindered by the single dimension of his role as Lex Luther is horrific. Not a patch on his Kaiser Soze in The Usual Suspects. The Indian Actor Kal Penn makes blink-and-miss appearances (BTW, watch this movie which featues him in the lead...absolutely hilarious slapstick stuff.)

One star each for the two sequences mentioned above. Give the movie a miss. Not worth it.